Understanding the addiction to busyness
SHOW NOTES
It's the middle of summer, you know you're overdue for a break, and somehow you've added even more to your plate. If that sounds familiar, you may have developed an allergy to rest, and more honestly, an addiction to being busy.
In this episode I lay out the real research behind it, drawing on Brené Brown's work on how we use busyness as armor against vulnerability, and explain what psychologists call a process addiction, the same category as internet gaming disorder. Because here's the uncomfortable truth: busyness might look more respectable than the things we'd never admit to being addicted to, but it has all the same features. You can't stop, you go into withdrawal when you do, and you get defensive when someone points it out. And it's quietly costing you your health, your friendships, and your money.
I've lived this and I'm still in recovery, which is why I can promise you it isn't worth it. Part two, coming next, is about building a new pattern that actually makes the soft life feel better than the grind.
Warmly,
Linda
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Meet Your Host!
Linda Sanderville, LCSW, RYT-200 is the founder of Satya Counseling & Yoga LLC. She specializes in concierge therapy for female founders and public figures, helping high-profile women navigate public scandal, executive burnout, and the values that will define the second half of life. Based in Albuquerque and serving clients virtually in DC, Maryland, Virginia, and beyond, Linda combines clinical expertise with somatic wisdom to help leaders reclaim their truth.
Read below for full transcript.
[00:00] Intro: You've Developed an Allergy to Rest
Hi, I'm Linda, an emotion coach and hypnotherapist who also loves a good sunrise yoga class, listening to the belly laughs of my baby boys, and hunting down the best vegan donuts. This podcast is for ambitious and high-performing women who want to feel fulfilled in all areas of their life. I'm here to give you practical tips and mindset shifts that will help you put your self-love skills into action. Welcome.
It's the smack dab middle of the summer, baby. So let me ask you, have you been thinking that you are way overdue for some rest, relaxation, vacation? But instead of making this happen, you've actually been adding more and more activity. Have your friends gone from hyping you up on your on-the-go lifestyle, thinking that it looks so exciting, they wish they could be you, to actually starting to grow concerned about you and begging you to take care of yourself? Do you see posts on Instagram and tweets on the soft life, on slowing down, and you think, yes, rest, but then you don't do a thing about it?
Friend, it sounds like you've developed an allergy to rest. And wait, before you feel judged by yet just another random talking head on the internets, I have to give you full disclosure. I am you. And I mean, not you, you, right? But you and I have the same allergy, and we have the same addiction. Oh, now I'm telling you that you have an addiction. Yeah, on top of everything else. Yes, girl, you and I are addicted to being busy. We're addicted to being busy, to being overstretched, to just being able to stuff in just enough time to squeeze in something else. We always have more to do than we could possibly ever get done, at least with 24 hours and a human body. I assume you still have one of those.
This is a real thing that can make it hard to not resist rest. It will have you being presented with opportunities to slow down, opportunities on a golden platter for you to slow down and take a break, and you will still find a way to get out of it. This can be crazy-making, right? You're like, I need to have a break. I want a vacation. I want to just take it easy. And then when the opportunity comes, you don't actually take it. And I can relate to you.
[02:47] Busyness as Armor Against Vulnerability
Linda: Let me give you some real data on this, some actual research. Do you all remember Brené Brown? She had that amazing talk on vulnerability that went viral. It was like a TED talk or TEDx, I'm not sure. And it just hit for so many of us, like it just landed. If you haven't watched it, I'll put a link for it in the show notes, in the description box, so that you can if you want.
If you don't know her, she's a brilliant researcher and author in a similar field to me. I'm in the mental health field, and she is also. And she describes how we have learned to use busyness as an armor against vulnerability. We stay busy to avoid those intimate opportunities to just be with ourselves, where we would have to face the truth of where we are, how we really feel, where we're even experiencing some sense of deep pain or loss or an unmet longing.
Wow. Like we're using busyness as an armor to protect ourselves against reality.
[03:55] What a Process Addiction Actually Is
Linda: So some psychologists even refer to this as an addiction. That's why I use that term. I'm not using it lightly. I'm using it very intentionally. They describe this as a process addiction. So what's a process addiction? Like what am I talking about?
A process addiction is when you can't let go of an activity, even when you know you should. Even when it's taking up all your time or depleting you, getting in the way of other things in your life that are really important, and you know that it's excessive, but you can't stop yourself. It's even when your sense of identity actually becomes tied into doing that thing, whatever that activity is.
So one major example in recent years. I know what you're thinking. If you're thinking that I'm going to say being on social media, I actually wasn't going to say that. But if you're thinking that, you are on the right track, and you are definitely catching on. What I was going to say was internet gaming addiction. So this is an actual diagnosis. This is something your doctor can diagnose you with. And it got added to the big book of psychology problems, otherwise known as the DSM-5. It's not important to know that, but just that's where it comes from. People with this disorder, they will go hours and hours barely moving or sleeping or getting up to eat or getting sunlight on their face, all because they simply cannot stop. So gaming has become more important than their actual life.
Now, if you're not one of those folks, and I'm not one of them, thankfully my husband isn't either, but it can become easy to laugh at this and judge it. Maybe you dated this person, and when you dumped them, you were like, good riddance, enjoy your life, Tyler. And maybe Tyler is even making good money off of streaming his gaming on Twitch or whatever. But you're like, I want a little bit more than that. I want a little bit more than an obsessive partner. Anyway, I digress.
[06:13] How the Addiction to Busyness Shows Up
Linda: The thing is, it's easy to judge, but guess what? Busyness might look less sad than this to you or to me, but it's got all the same features when you are addicted to being busy. You can't help yourself, right? Just one more social event on the calendar.
Yeah, I'm pretty burnt out, but it'll be good for networking. I gotta be on my grind. Or meeting somebody new. It's not cute being on my own for this long. I gotta be with somebody. You go through withdrawal without it, right? Without being busy. I can't do meditation, ha ha, not for me. I'm so bored. Let's start another business. Let's plan complicated and time-consuming activities for the kids. Let's reorganize the bedroom, the pantry, the garage, my whole life. Let's find another five-season TV show that we can binge on for the next two weeks or, I don't know, three days.
You get angry and defensive when people point out that you may have a problem, that you may need to slow down. Just because she's unhappy with her life and doesn't have anything going on, she has something to say to me. Yep, she's jealous. I'm not watching this YouTube video with this chick. What is she talking about anyway?
[07:38] The Cost: Your Health, Your Friendships, Your Bank Account
Linda: So I want to bring this up because it's not worth it, and it's going to cost you. It's not worth it, and it's going to cost me if I don't get it under control. So remember when I said that I am you, you are me? I've lived this, and I'm still in recovery. That's why I can tell you that the constant, unchecked busyness, it isn't worth it. Filling up your calendar to avoid facing what you aren't happy about with yourself, it's a temporary fix, and it is costly.
You know that this is how many health problems start. You stay so far out of touch with yourself. Even if you're still exercising and trying to eat right and things like that, there's still a level of disconnection from yourself that makes it hard for you to even recognize when the warning signs are there. I don't want that for you or the people who love you. And I don't think you do either. That's why you're still watching this.
The addiction to busyness is also how friendships end. You think everyone's having a good time, not realizing that you may be pushing away some of your most cherished relationships until it's too late. And for some of them, they have straight-up ghosted you. And that's when you realize that something was wrong. You were so busy, and even your relationship with them was so based on busyness, that you may not have seen this coming.
The addiction to busyness is also how people stay broke. You get caught up just trying to look important and do too much random stuff that doesn't matter, chasing too many shiny objects. Who among us hasn't done that? And in the end, none of this is stuff that actually mattered anyway, and it wasn't going to get you anywhere. So your bank account looks exactly the same. Nothing changed. You just stay busy.
[09:28] Training Your Brain to Crave the Hustle
Linda: And this is how we train our brain to run. We train our brain to run this way and to keep us running ragged on the hamster wheel. We don't do it on purpose, but it's what we are doing in actuality. We train ourselves to only see life in terms of temporary periods of boredom that we need to fix with more stuff, temporary hits of excitement.
We adjust to a high tolerance for a high level of cortisol and adrenaline running through our system constantly. And it's to the point where trying to balance that out with some rest or reflection or pausing actually feels like a chemical withdrawal, because it is. It's something painful that must be avoided because our system is no longer used to it. Our system is no longer used to resting. That's scary.
So look, this conversation is long already. I've had you here for like 10 minutes or so. So I'll come back with a part two on how to start developing a new pattern that will give you a taste of the soft life that you really want, that you know, on some level, that you genuinely need. We'll talk about how it can get to the point where it can even feel better to live in that soft life than all this chaotic hustle and grind that you become addicted and familiar with.
So until then, maybe just sit with this for a moment. You know, there's power in your knowledge about yourself. As a hypnotherapist, I always talk about this. There's power in your self-awareness that is unmatchable, unstoppable. I promise you that if you reflect and just stop and take a beat and notice how this might be true for you, it will put you so far ahead of so many others who have already lost, or are in the process of losing, relationships, money, time, sanity, because they have an unexamined addiction to busyness. You can get further ahead than that. Okay. I'll talk with you soon. Wait for part two.
You hung with me to the end, my shero. If you benefited from this episode, please say thanks by leaving a wonderful review. It helps me know what's helping you the most and allows more like-minded women to find and learn from this podcast. We don't want to keep all the good stuff for ourselves. See you next time.
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