Is Stress Changing Your Personality And Your Parenting?
SHOW NOTES
Have you ever noticed your whole personality shifting under stress, to the point where you almost don't recognize yourself? I know I have, from a job that left me feeling depressed at work but fine the moment I walked out the door.
In this episode I want to gently push back on the idea that you're just a moody person. Because the research is clear: when perceived stress climbs, so does pessimism, and we start filtering ourselves, our circumstances, and the people we love through a darker lens.
There's even research showing how parental stress and children's behavior feed each other in a loop, which is exactly why protecting the emotional health of moms and caretakers matters so much. So before you accept the label, ask yourself the kinder question: is she moody, or does she need a break? Was she born with it, or does she need some sleep?
Then give yourself permission to ask for help and actually take the breaks you need. This isn't a personality trait. It's just stress, and it can be managed.
Warmly,
Linda
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Meet Your Host!
Linda Sanderville, LCSW, RYT-200 is the founder of Satya Counseling & Yoga LLC. She specializes in concierge therapy for female founders and public figures, helping high-profile women navigate public scandal, executive burnout, and the values that will define the second half of life. Based in Albuquerque and serving clients virtually in DC, Maryland, Virginia, and beyond, Linda combines clinical expertise with somatic wisdom to help leaders reclaim their truth.
Read below for full transcript.
[00:00] When Stress Changes Your Personality
Hi, I'm Linda, an emotion coach and hypnotherapist who also loves a good sunrise yoga class, listening to the belly laughs of my baby boys, and hunting down the best vegan donuts. This podcast is for ambitious and high-performing women who want to feel fulfilled in all areas of their life. I'm here to give you practical tips and mindset shifts that will help you put your self-love skills into action. Welcome.
Have you ever had your personality, like the way you present, actually change over time because you were under so much stress? I'm asking that as a rhetorical question, but I'm guessing many of you have had that exact experience. I know for me, I was working this one job where I would come home, my husband would just look at me and just be instantly concerned. And I was like, but it's fine, like, what's your problem? And he could see just over time how this particular job was really doing a number on me. I just presented differently.
Over time, I realized that I was starting to feel depressed, but I wouldn't feel that way once I left work. Which is interesting, right? Situational depression. It wasn't good. I'm so glad that I paid attention to that and eventually decided to part ways, because it was not the right fit for me.
So when it comes to moodiness and feeling like other people maybe are telling you that you seem really moody or irritable, it's worth taking a look at your present life circumstances to see, wait, are they just saying that because I'm under this amount of pressure with this new role at work? Are they just saying that because I don't sleep anymore since my baby was born? Why are they actually saying that? Is it because I'm a moody person?
Or do I have sensitivities to certain lifestyle practices, lifestyle habits, that make me more prone to present in a different way when I'm under stress? I think asking yourself those questions takes out a lot more of the personalization and blaming yourself for your personality or your character or just who you are, or owning something about yourself that isn't actually inherent to who you are. It's just the way that you're reacting to your current circumstances because they're so stressful.
[02:38] What the Research Shows About Stress and Personality
Think about the last time that you were, I don't know, on vacation or hanging out with a group of friends, having a really good time, eating good food, drinking water, having fun, and not having deadlines or things you had to get done or places you had to get to in a hurry. And what was your personality like? What was your energy like? Were you moody then? Okay, so then maybe there's something else going on.
However, if you weren't, if you were showing up very differently than you are today, right in the middle of the work week or whatever's going on for you, planning a big family gathering and feeling overwhelmed, there's a good chance that stress is actually affecting your personality.
And there have been some studies, I'll link some studies down at the bottom, but there was this one that went over the effects of stress on personality traits over time. And they actually showed that for those who were experiencing peaks in perceived stress, so what they reported as far as number of stressors going on in their life, those same individuals also reported peaks in their pessimism. They just saw the world more negatively, and they interpreted things that way.
So the more they felt that stress was going up, the more they interpreted things negatively. And the researchers said, you know, they're not sure if this is because that's what actually was going on, or people who were feeling more pessimistic tended to notice stressors more and then list more stressors.
But either way, it's not great. If you're under a lot of pressure, it's more likely that you're going to be seeing things in a more negative light. You might see yourself in a more negative light as well as your circumstances, the world around you, people you're in relationship with. You're going to be putting everything under a much more negative filter when your stress is just not reined in.
And then there was this other study, for those of you who have young children. There were parents of kids ages three to nine, and they were looking at how parental stress affected children's behaviors and vice versa. And they saw that it's very transactional.
Like, if kids' behaviors are more difficult for whatever reason, the parental stress tended to go up as well. And also as parental stress went up, children's behaviors tended to worsen as well. So they're both impacting each other. So just thinking about the consequences of being under stress that isn't well managed, like, then it's even affecting your kids' behaviors. And then that's adding on to things, right?
[05:38] Is She Moody, or Does She Need a Break?
So yeah, that's why I just wanted to come and talk with you about, is she moody, or does she need a break? Was she born with it, or does she need some sleep? It's really, really vital that we protect the emotional health and the physical well-being of people in general, of course.
But I think especially moms, caretakers, because everyone under their charge could actually be adding on to their stress if the stress isn't well managed. And then also, the people who they are taking care of also might not be doing as well as they could be if that woman were fully well-nourished and feeling rested and having breaks like they need to. It might not be a personality trait. It might just be the way that stress is affecting the way that you show up in your day-to-day life.
It's crazy. So I'm just confirming for you what you already knew. You may be watching this and thinking, duh, I already knew that. And so let's take it seriously. Let's do something about that, because we're not going to function well like that forever. You've got to make some changes.
So I want you to make sure that you are asking for help if you need it, if you can think of ways other people can support you to get breaks, whether it's dropping the kids off with someone trusted, or investing in some daycare or some extracurricular activities where they're off doing something cool, but you don't have to be fully focused, and you can just catch up with your girlfriend on the phone or read a book or just look at the sky and just not have anyone asking you questions. Anyone else here have a three- or four-year-old who asks all the questions? Yeah.
So, yeah, let's just stop blaming ourselves for the ways that we are naturally responding to stress, because that's just sort of what stress does. So we have to manage that if we're going to get some relief, so that we can seem to other people like we're more vibrant, have more energy, we're in a better mood, right? You may have your partner being like, why are you so moody all the time? There's a reason. You got to help me out. So anyway, just coming here to give you validation, essentially. I'll see you in the next video. Bye.
You hung with me to the end, my shero. If you benefited from this episode, please say thanks by leaving a wonderful review. It helps me know what's helping you the most and allows more like-minded women to find and learn from this podcast. We don't want to keep all the good stuff for ourselves. See you next time.
Stress Changes & Parental Considerations (articles)
Parenting Stress and Child Behavior Problems: A Transactional Relationship Across Time
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4861150/
Stress related changes in personality: A longitudinal study of perceived stress and trait pessimism
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